Atul is quickly learning the art of negotiation. He has discovered that there are only so many NOs a parent is capable of saying. So he would keep trying and trying until he gets something, some silly thing, from the negotiation process. It may not be something that he was interested in to begin with, but that doesn't matter because he would rather develop a liking to it than end the negotiation empty handed. Here's a sample of Atul's fine negotiation skills. Atul sleeps in his toddler bed, while either Arvind or I sleep in the twin bed (at a slightly lower level) next to him (Did I mention that we are transitioning Atul from family bed to his own bed?). He would use every opportunity to hop into the twin bed for that snug feeling that comes from sleeping next to mommy or daddy. This particularly happens during the early hours when there is a slight shift in his sleep pattern. So the other day, he got into negotiation mode at 3:00 in the morning: 

Atul: Mommy, can I sleep next to you?
Me: No kanna (no dear)
Atul: Please mommy, just for today.
Me: Illa da kanna. You are a big boy now and you have to sleep on your own in the big boy bed. Go to sleep now kanna, amma is feeling sleepy too.
Atul: But mommy, you are all alone there
Me: It's ok ma. You are here right next to me. I don't feel lonely at all.
Atul: I think you will start crying now.
Me: Illa da raja. I don't feel sad at all. Now go to sleep.
Atul: Can you atleast give me your hand?
Me: No ma kanna. Amma's hands will start aching if I keep my hand on you for a long time.
Atul: Can you keep your hands atleast for two minutes, please please?

It's easier to fight the tantrums than the please. And as I said earlier there are only so many NOs that one is capable of saying, especially at 3:00 in the morning. I succumb, and he wins!

Don't let the title of this book mislead you into thinking that it's for tackling child obesity related issues. While it's one of the topics covered, the book is mostly about molding parent's attitude towards eating habits of their offspring.

Food is not one of Atul's favorite subject. He eats well when he is hungry, but there is no guarantee that he would eat every single meal and snack, every single day. There have been days when he had polished his lunch and then there have been days when the very same menu came back untouched. When we raised it as a concern to Atul's pediatrician, she advised that toddlers need just one and a half full meal per day to help them stay healthy and aid their growth. We were told, as long as it averages out, he is in a good place. 

Later, when I was discussing this with a friend, she recommended this book to me and I am so glad I took her advise and checked it out. The underlying theme of the book is the clear division of responsibility between parents and kids when it comes to eating. Parents are responsible for what is presented to eat and the manner in which it is presented. Children are responsible for how much and even whether they eat. 

The book helped us look at Atul's eating habits in a whole new perspective. While we never took to force feeding him, we certainly thought it was our responsibility to monitor how well and how much he ate. We are slowly learning to unlearn this attitude and trust Atul to regulate the quantity of his food intake. We have some simple rules that he is expected to abide by during meal time. No watching TV or reading books while eating. No moving around during meal time. Eat while you eat, play while you play. The only snacks that will be served at home during week days will be fruits. However, he gets to choose anything for his snack time during the weekend, no questions asked. He is required to do three things after meal time - put his plate in the sink, clean himself up, drink some water.

We see a big improvement in Atul's eating behavior after following some of the simple things outlined in the book. But more importantly, the battle of wills at meal time has definitely come down over the past couple of months. 

Parenting a pre-schooler can sometimes be a patience-stretching exercise.  Like day before yesterday, when Atul decided that his sole task for the day was testing his boundaries, which meant I was constantly at his back giving him countdowns and threatening to withdraw rewards. He was pushing and pushing his limits and I just couldn't keep up. I gave up. I heaved heavily and closed my eyes. Atul, of course,  immediately knew that I was displeased with him and that's the last thing he wanted (I have to be happy with him, all the time. Period. ). He asadu vazhingified (not sure I can come up with a translation, roughly it means an expression out of guilt,  with the intention to win me back) and said with a sheepish grin, "Mommy, I am a troublesome kid. I am very naughty". All my repressed frustration just vanished into thin air and I was laughing away to glory. Oh, the things that he can be proud of!

When I narrated this to Arvind, my wise husband threw a nugget of wisdom - Atul is like  flowing water. It is better to go with the flow than to resist it.  And for the record, I agree :-)

Atul is going through a I-am-a-big-boy-now phase (remember the Complan ad?). He wants to wear his clothes, from underwear to shoes, all by himself without any assistance from appa or amma. Sometimes it takes multiple attempts and occasionally it leaves him frustrated, with finding his sleeves being the most challenging part of the getting-dressed-up drama. Upset and helpless, he would come to us, "It is so hard, my hand is on the way, I am not able to find it (sleeves)". Although the parental reflex is to go find the sleeves for him, we have learnt not to succumb to it.  Once or twice we committed that mistake, and it only magnified the meltdown. "Why did you help me? I wanted to do it all by myself. Don't do that amma (or appa)". Us helping him somehow seemed to undermine his efforts; it was as though we stole some of the credit due to him. So, we have switched our roles to that of cheer leaders. Maintaining a one-arm-distance, we lavish words of cheer  - Atul, you can do it, just stay calm and be patient with yourself, turn the tshirt all the way around., yaada yaada yaada. By hook or crook, most of the times, as intended, the three and half a year old succeeds in wearing them (that is underwear, pant, undershirt, etc.). The sense of accomplishment from surviving the ordeal and the satisfaction that he did it by himself take the form of a naughty glee and is at its pinnacle, when Arvind and I clap and give a hi-five to him. Joyfully, the kiddo proclaims, "I did it mommy (daddy)". To which the cheer leaders respond, yes kanna, you did it and we are proud of you for not giving up!


Then, there are times when he likes to regress into his babyhood days. He would go searching for his sippy cup or would fancy using his baby spoons and forks for his meals. In role plays, he would declare, "You are the mommy and I am the baby. I will cry because I don't know to use words yet." When he sees a baby with a pacifier, he would express a fleeting desire to use it. I selectively (and carefully) give in to his requests and let him experience babyhood briefly.

Coming to think of it, I go through somewhat similar phases too. There are days when I want to be a grown up - when there is a strong desire to nurture, give and care. And then there are times when I long to relive the carefree days of school and college; re-experience the pleasure of doing nothing. Like Atul, I selectively indulge. A late night movie with the husband. An evening out with a close friend. A long early morning walk. Some quiet time with a book. It's only a phase and after receiving it's share of attention, true to its nature, it passes. And I am ready to enter my world of commitments with renewed energy and focus. 

Gone are the days, when a hug and a kiss was enough to make Atul feel special and loved. But life is not as simple anymore for my 3-year old preschooler. The other day, while shopping at Wal*Mart, Atul left us gaping in wonder when he said,  "Amma, buy me something and make me feel special!".

Well, I have myself to blame for this transformation. A few weeks back while shopping for b'day presents for one of his friends, he asked me why do we buy presents for our friends on their b'day? You see in which direction this is headed? I told him, a b'day is a special day and we buy presents to make friends feel special. But little did I know then that he would interpolate the logic and throw it back at me some day. Grrrrrrrr!

Whenever I go out of town, my set of guidelines for Arvind:

• Please don't hold a donut party while I am gone

• Focus your attention on him when he is having his breakfast, or else he would dodge
  

• I have told him that he can take only one stuffed toy for nap time
  

When Arvind goes out of town, his advise for me:

• Pavam, give him treats once in a while. If you don't give him the snacks he likes, he will feel deprived
  

• It's ok if he doesn't eat every meal. He will make up for it.

• May be you can watch a movie with him during the weekends

Talk about differences in parenting style. I wouldn't be surprised if Atul grows up thinking that appa is cool as a cucumber and amma is hot as a pepper!

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If you have been following this blog, you must be familiar with my addiction to hug and kiss Atul. All that will have to change now because my son has made it loud and clear that only he is in control of his body. A few weeks back when I gave my routine hug and kiss to him, he broke down and proclaimed, “Mommy don't touch my body. I don't want a kiss”. The first time I heard it, it made me want to cry, as if I had committed an unpardonable crime. But you see, with time I have developed immunity to this statement and am slowly learning to work my way around it by saying things like,  “Hey you, how about giving a magic kiss to amma” and later add, "would you like a magic kiss from me". 

Innovation is a trait that every parent should learn to imbibe, what do you say?

 

Atul generally gets a kick out of giving us some instructions that were conveyed to him at school. For instance, when we are eating, he would say, "chew your food mommy" or "take bigger bites daddy". Like Arvind, he is a good problem solver. It just fascinates me how he comes up with innovative solutions for his problems. For instance, sometimes if he doesn't get what he wants, he would get upset and would start weeping. After a while, he would console himself saying, "drink water, you will feel better". In another example, If he stumbles against his toys and hurts his feet, he would say, "mommy feet hurt, I want to wear socks". 
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Atul has learnt to say "nallaki" (tomorrow) when he wants to avoid doing something. These days if I ask him, if he has done poo poo. He would promptly reply, "Not yet mommy. Nallaki poo poo panaren (will do poo poo tomorrow)".

Context for another "nallaki" conversation. Atul would be so full of words at bed time. So,  generally, before taking him for his bed time, I would tell him that it's time to say good night and that he should stay quiet while lying down on bed. To which, he would promptly reply, "nallaki pesaren mommy" (will talk to you tomorrow).
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Me: Arvind, we need to get shoes for Atul
Arvind: Atul, do you want Spiderman shoes or Thomas shoes
Atul: Fire engine shoes
Arvind: There are no fire engine shoes dear
Atul: James (wears) fire engine shoes

Arvind and I were totally stumped at how this little kid 1. has observed that his friend wears fire engine shoes 2. that he would like to have one too 3. quote it in context when asked for his shoe preference. Talk about peer pressure!
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For the most part, Atul talks in tamil to both of us. I was slightly concerned that it could be a problem if he talks in Tamil at school and not able to get his point across. But his teacher tells me that he talks to them in English. I think in his mind he has made the distinction between the languages and knows the audience for his language as well. Gosh, the wonders of the human brain. 

It has been a month and a half since I posted something exclusively on Atul. Here are some tidbits:

-  Soon after his second b'day Atul graduated to the older toddler room, known as the "Butterfly" or as Atul likes to call it "Ashley" room (after his teacher Ashley). Kids in this class are trained to be more independent than the earlier classroom. They are allowed to drink from open cups, taught to wash their hands on their own and have the option of using the potty if they would like to. So far, Atu seems to enjoy the "big boy" treatment he gets in this room.

- Atul is more and more vocal about his wants and needs these days. He is trying to put words together in a sentence , which is particularly helpful for us in getting a sense for what he does during the day. For instance, the week after our India trip, he told me, "Atul thachi (nap). Mommy mommy Ashley konji (pets)". From this and what his teacher told me I was able to infer that because of jetlag he woke up in the middle of his nap and asked for mommy. Then Ashley told him he is at school and hugged him and tried to put him to nap. As a parent, I find this sort of information empowering. That I don't have to rely totally on what's written on the daily sheet and can count on Atu to get some additional details.

- Atu's self worth is determined so much by how Arvind and I react to his behavior. If either of us give a disapproving look or use a stern voice, he would immediately sense that he has done something wrong and would waste no time in saying "sorry mommy" followed by "mommy upset". Sometimes it's scary how he could be right and would still think that he is wrong just because we don't approve of what he does.

- Atu's latest fascination is unloading the dishwasher. The second he hears me open the dishwasher, he would come rushing, "mommy Atul help". The best part is, I get a running commentary when he unloads the dishwasher: Appa cheerios bowl, atul paruppu mammu (dhal rice), appa mug, Atu tea coffee mug (he likes to call his Horlicks/Boost as tea coffee), icecream cup and so on. You should see the sense of pride after he finishes the chore. He would go rushing to his dad proudly claiming "Atu dishwasher unload help mommy".

- Atu still does a lot of parallel play with kids of his own age. But he seems to be developing bonds of friendship with some of the kids in his classroom.

- Arvind and I try to be careful about what and how we talk in front of Atul. Yet, we have unconsciously used some slangs in our conversation, which he has so promptly picked up: "ayoo", "ada paavi", "routea mathu", "yup", "oh man" etc.

- Atu loves to sing and listen to music these days. He would come to me asking for "ommachi pattu" (bhajans) or his rhymes. He doesn't like it when we hum with him. It has to be all by himself on his own. "Atu thane thane no mommy". Whatever you say kiddo!

Atul will be two years old on Nov. 22nd. It feels like just yesterday that I was waiting in the hospital to take a first glimpse at this little angel and here I am typing this post two years later, after a dose of hugs and kisses from my bundle of joy. Oh, the unsuspecting and unconditional love that he showers on us is so intoxicating.

The first one year was a year of coping up with all the changes that a new arrival brings. Any silly thing he did was adorable and had a special meaning. Arvind and I were typical new parents wanting to protect him from all things that we possible could and couldn't. The second year has been different in many ways. Atul is growing up to be this wonderful individual with a personality and mind of his own. Small things that he does and says reminds us how watchful we have to be because he is looking up to us as role models. In a sense, he is molding us to be better individuals. Arvind and I are getting more and more comfortable in our role as parents and continue to cherish every silly thing that he does.

The journey has just begun. There will be many stories to be shared and lessons to be learnt.

Atul had an eye infection a couple of days back for which we had to administer an ointment on his lower eye lids. And the kiddo just wouldn't let me apply it. I tried standing in front of a mirror with him and applied the ointment to my eyes so that he will know that if it's harmless for amma, it will be harmless for him as well (idea suggested by a friend at work). Nah, didn't work. Tried to make it a game by teaching him to identify his eyes and his lower eyelids. Enjoyed the game but wouldn't co-operate for his medication. Finally, we resorted to forcing it on him. I held his hands and legs tightly while Arvind applied it on his eyelashes because he wouldn't open his eyes. Phew!!!

And it's just not us. His pediatrician has a tough time examining his ears. The routine is for me to hold his hands, Arvind to hold his legs, the nurse to hold his head. After all this struggle, Atul would give split seconds for being examined.

I detest doing anything that puts me in a position of struggle with the kiddo.

My company is sponsoring a three-day event in Atlantic City, NJ towards the end of this month. Had it been a couple of years back, I would have started my final countdown for the trip by now. But right now, it would suffice to say that I am telling myself that I am not a selfish person just because I want to take part in this event. I am feeling awful and guilty probably because this is the first time that I will be away from Atul for two days and a night. May be I won't feel this bad when I am actually away from him.
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Coming to Atu updates.

- Recent additions to his vocab: Chappathi, This, Bye, and other random words which we are not able to understand.

- His communication skills have improved manifold. Today, he dragged Arvind to the refrigerator, made him open the door and insisted the Arvind feed him yo-baby. Wow! the kiddo knows what he wants and is able to communicate it to us. This make our job easier.

- His prayer routine: says good morning to Ganesha picture in our room. Then, holds on to our hands (one side Arvind and the other side me) and walks us to the prayer place. I would recite a slokam (prayer) during which time, Atu would touch Opppilappan's (an incarnation of Lord Venkateswara and our family diety) feet and rest his hands on his chest (yes, it melts my heart every single time he does that!). With this, he is all set to play with the bell in the sannadhi.

- He tries to immitate us a lot. Arvind's coughs are followed by sympathy coughs from Atul :)
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I read something last week on temper tantrums that puts the behavior in perspective

Why do kids throw tantrums? Their motor and congnitive skills are much more sophisticated than their language skills. But they feel and understand much more than what they can express. Since they don't have words to express their frustration, they tend to show it in action.

This is the first of the series of notes that I will be typing out from "babyhood" by Penelope Leach. I find these snippets insighful and helpful in understanding Atul's mind set.

On toddlerhood:

"Being a toddler is a little like being an adolescent. The toddler is between babyhood and childhood, just as the adolescent is between childhood and adulthood. The toddler reaches a stage where he resents and fights the absolute power and control which his mother had over him when he was a baby. He too looks for new fields in which to exercise a new sense of power, a new sense fo self."

How true! Atul wants to handle the mug and the bucket on his own during his bath, I can help him with the spoon only if he desires so, if I offer him milk when he is not interested, he pushes it away with a "no" or "num". When he doesn't get what he wants, he rebels, then gives a super-duper fake cry and finally he is genuinely upset with his eyes welling up with tears. My pediatrician says the best way to deal with the situation is to ignore him while he is upset and let him express himself instead of trying to calm him down. And then when he settles down, give a big hug and distract him with something that's more interesting than what he wants. Yielding to his tantrum is equivalent to telling him that "you will get what you want when you throw tantrums".

Toddlerhood, adoloescence, mid-life crisis, old age. Never a dull moment in life!

On mother's role:

"In babyhood, the mother's role was to be the child, in the subtle sense of lending him identity and interpreting the world to him, and in the more obvious sense of using her brain and muscles to do for him what he could not do for himself. In toddlerhood she has to release him to be himself, allow him to be a seperate, definite person: to want different things from her, to like different things, to like different people, to disagree with her, to pursue his own ends even when they conflict with hers. At the same time she has to continue to be the socialized bit of him, the righter of his indavertent wrongs, the one who clears up his messes, rescues him from dilemas, comforts the children he has hurt. She has to remain his safe haven, the platform from he can set off on all his adventures, and to which he can always return."

Okay, now I know how the pressure in the pressure cooker must feel like! I would have slightly felt better had the author used the word parent instead of mother.

Let alone Atul, my mom is my safe haven even now!

Atul is sick. His teacher called me up at work to say that he has had diarrhea three times in two hours. We'll know the story at his doctor's appointment tomorrow.

Atul gave subtle clues on his impending sickness over the last couple of days. Although I had a suspicion that something was off with the little one, I brushed it aside thinking that the changes were behaviorial and that he was merely testing his boundaries.

Raising a child definitely gets complicated as he grows up. Before, if Atu didn't eat well it was either because he was not hungry or he was sick. But now, there are other dimensions to it: I offered him peas when he was expecting squash, playing seems to be more fun than eating, sitting in high chair is not something that he is interested in etc. etc. Atul has probably learnt that he can make choices in life!